This evening, trying to assemble a pressure-mounted baby gate for my dog, I picked up several tips and tricks for writing really bad instructions that I just have to share for everyone's edification:

1. Only name half of the parts in the diagram. Users enjoy the challenge of matching line drawings with three-dimensional pieces and matching them to the procedure through the process of elimination.
2. Put the procedure illustrations, the parts diagram, and the assembly instructions on widely separated pages. This will encourage the user to get familiar with the booklet by paging back and forth.
3. Make assembly a game for the user by showing one method in the illustration and then sneaking in a footnote that tells them never to do it that way with model X (model X being the one they bought).
4. Slip in a reference to a part that isn't labelled or named anywhere else in the book. Context makes it too easy to guess - users like to be challenged!